"Oh Sweetheart"

Finally...some downtime to blog. I haven't been able to post anything just because I don't have time anymore. I can't wait til the day when this is actually my profession, and I can make a living off of writing. Until then, I'll blog :)

A lot has happened since I last posted. Let's see...well, I started working at Steve & Barry's (again). Definitely loving it much more since I quit working at Bob Evans. Let me tell you something...waitressing, is hard. Really hard. And it's especially frustrating when you're new and you're trying your best just to learn everything, but it's so complex. I couldn't remember which fruit came with the bowl or with the cup! And what was worse is that your paycheck depends on the customer's happiness. Now, I like to think I'm a friendly sweet girl, and I thought for once my caring attitude would pay off. In a way it did, but in many other ways it didn't. Just being inexperienced and a new waitress lost me a lot in tips. And I really did learn how picky people could be. The grouchiness I put up with with the Steve and Barry's customers is nothing now...especially when I don't have to be nice back :P I've learned I hate having to put up with attitudes and not being able to dish it back. I'm not that type of person who will let someone walk over me or try to bring me down without a fight. Therefore, I am definitely not waitress material.

What else...I also went to Pittsburgh a few weekends ago. It was so awesome, but so very sad. My Mom and I stayed at my grandparents house. It's completely gutted out, and very lonesome to be in. The only thing that really stayed the same was the bedroom my sisters and I stayed in. It still has the two beds, the window with the pink shaded curtain, same old slanted walls and ocean blue carpet. But it's certainly not the same. And that's very disappointing to me. Pittsburgh has always been so special because of the family and memories I have there. Well, I've lost two people I've loved most, and the memories are all I have left.

My grandfather passed away early April this year. It was my first death that I've ever had to deal with. What was especially hard though, surprisingly, was not my grandpap's death but seeing my grandma. It had been about a year since I had seen her, and her alzheimer's had grown worse. It was tough, because she didn't look like herself, and she barely remembered us. i ran away at first and snuck into the bathroom to hide. I've never felt such a mix of anger and confusion and denial. Since then it has gotten easier to visit her, but it's still very tough.

The last time my Mom and I visited her that weekend my Mom started crying. I was holding myself pretty strong, I had accepted the fact that things were different now and I just had to deal with it. That's life, isn't it? But then when we were going to leave I bent to give her a hug and she looked me dead in the eye and said very sweetly, "Oh Sweetheart." I started crying, because it felt like for that brief moment she was there. For the one second she knew who I was, and understood my pain. It was like her eyes were saying, "Oh sweetheart, I know who you are, I know this is tough. I know you hate seeing me like this, I know I have alzheimers and everything is different now." It basically felt that for the one brief moment she understood everything, and I felt that just for one second she remembered she was my grandma, and she was looking at me like always use to.

I don't know if that moment is true. I know it happened, I know she called me sweetheart, but I don't know if it happened the way I think it did. I don't know. She doesn't know. Even if she did, she couldn't tell me. The only one who does know is God. And that's okay. Because I believe what happened for just one second, and I don't need to know the truth, whether I am right or wrong. The moment was bittersweet, probably one I will never forget. It reminded me of all the sweet memories we have together, and it also reminded me of the reality of it all. The tough reality I have tried my maturest to face. But I still can't deny how much it hurts.

I believe somewhere down deep inside she stills knows who I am. Knows I am her granddaughter, her only daughter's first born, named after her mother and her husband's mother. I believe she stills knows me, and she still loves me, whether her mind will allow it or not. It's astounishes me how complex we are. How we are so much more than what our physiological senses leave us to believe. Have you not ever looked into someone eyes and could tell what they were feeling? Have you never looked into someone eyes and felt like you were peering into their soul? That's what it was like when I looked into my grandma's eyes. That's somewhere deep inside it's all okay. After this life, it's all okay.