Music, Lemons, and a Really Big Rock

Sometimes you just really have to feel something for you to come to your senses. Sometimes it takes the biggest twist, the biggest turning point for you to fully grasp reality, and to just see how your life is changing. I am in the middle of a turning point right this very second. After almost two years of pondering what is going to happen, finally I am beginning to see how things just might turn out. God had to throw the biggest rock at me for me to come to my senses. And it hit me like a ton of bricks.

The situation I am talking about is the friendship I have between myself and someone else. Someone who I care very much about, someone who I look up to. Someone who I have been praying I will never lose, and yet I beginning to see that my prayers just might be answered “no.” It’s not that this person will forever walk out of my life and we’ll never be friends again. It’s just the concept that this person has their own life, and I have mine. And our lives are pulling our friendship slowly and painfully apart. And I am trying my best to save it.

The reality of letting go is just as hard as I expected. I knew a long time ago that I would one day have to face the music, and I have been dreading the sour notes of fate. The bittersweet tune of separation has become the theme song to my life, and I am tired to hearing it over and over. I am tired of trying to drown it out with happy moments and reminiscing on memories. It is a song that is constantly stuck in my head. So instead of trying to change it, I have decided to just listen to it. Just let it play through, and once it is done, it will be done forever. There is nothing I can do to change it. So I have to embrace it.

I miss this person terribly. I miss talking to them, and joking around with them. I miss laughing with them and arguing with them. I miss learning from them. I miss everything about this person. I knew this person would eventually have to go their way, and I’d have to go mine. I knew I wouldn’t like it. But it doesn’t matter if I like it or not. I have to deal with it either way.
There is the saying of “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” But sometimes you just don’t have the ingredients to make that happen. You don’t have that sweet sugar to overpower the sour taste. And you just have to drink it for what it’s worth. Take in the bitter juice, let the goosebumps run down your spine, taste every ounce of it and move on. When life gives you lemons, deal with it.

It hurts. It’s not fair. Life’s not fair. It’s life. It’s the way things are meant to be. It’s God’s will, not mine. I don’t like it, but I have to deal with it. I don’t like the theme song. I don’t like the bitter lemons I have to taste. But what is there to do? God threw a big rock at me, and it’s hit me hard. It’s left a bruise. And all there is to do, is let it heal.

Say

“Living out the same old moment
Knowing you’d be better off instead

If you could only

Say what you need to say”

I am so in love with this song. Perhaps it’s just the writer in me dying to get out. Or maybe it’s because I’ve always been that shy girl who hesitates to talk because of some silly insecurities. Or maybe it’s that little optimist activist in me that just honestly believes with all her heart that you can change someone’s life based on what you say to them. Maybe it’s that little voice in me that just wants to say what it needs to say. I think it’s a little bit of all of the above.
How many times have I wished I had said something while I had the chance and then later regretted it? The perfect example of this are my two grandfathers. What’s ironic is when my second grandpa died, I saw him the day before his death, and I was able to tell him I loved him before I left. But when my first grandpa died, I didn’t get that chance to talk to him, and to this day I still cry over his death. It’s been almost a year now. And it’s killing me because I didn’t get to say what I needed to say.

If you haven’t seen the music video for “Say” by John Mayer, I urge you to watch it now. It’s based off of the movie Bucket List…yes, even just the music video makes me cry. And I think it’s because the song touches on something that we often overlook until, of course, it’s too late. Just the simple fact that we should say what we need to say to people before it’s too late. Before they’re gone and out of our lives. Or because they deserve to hear the truth. I think we often hesitate so many times on saying what we really want to say, because we’re afraid. Afraid of someone’s reactions, afraid of what they might think. Trust me, I know…remember, I was that shy geeky girl back in elementary school too afraid to speak up. I guess now I’m making up for lost time haha.

But on a serious note, I can remember the last conversation I had with my first grandfather. I remember he had called my house to speak with my mom. I answered the phone and said something along the lines of “Hi Grandpa, it’s Laura…yada yada yada.” And then he asked for my Mom and I said, “Hold on…let me get her.” So I went and gave the phone to my Mother and that was it. Those were the last words I spoke to my Grandpa. “Hold on…let me get her.” Not “I love you Grandpa,” or “I miss you,” or even, “I hope you feel better.” I never got to say what I needed to say. And my regret will haunt me for the rest of my life.

But the beautiful thing about life is when we make a mistake, we learn from it and learn not to make it again. I can’t hate myself for not saying what I needed to say. I had no idea at the time that that would be the last time I would speak with Grandpa. But I learned something I had never understood before. I realized how things don’t last forever, and that the opportunity to say what you really need to say, doesn’t last forever either.

This song is a constant reminder to me to not take time for granted. It’s more than just “say what you need to say,” it’s a reminder that life is precious, and you won’t have it forever. And even more importantly, how precious the people around you are, and how you won’t have them forever either.

“Have no fear for giving inHave no fear for giving over

You better know that in the end its better to say too much

Than to never to say what you need to say again”

It’s better to say too much, than to never say what you need to say again. So if I sound like a babbling idiot for the moment, it’s because my heart is hanging onto these words. I refuse to let what happened between my grandfather and I occur again. As geeky as this may sound, I have a “Say” list. A list of people in my life in which I still have something to say to them. I won’t lie…there are a few people on this list that I am absolutely terrified to tell them what I’m really feeling. But when I think of it in the big picture, a little humiliation for the moment will save me from a lifetime of regret.

I encourage anyone who reads this to at least take what I’m saying into consideration. Think about your life, and the people in it. Think of what would happen if you never saw them again, would you have said everything you needed to say? I feel like a broken record, but it’s as simple as the lyrics…

“Say what you need to say”.

God, I Feel Like I'm Six Years Old Again

Remember when you were a little kid and life was just, well, perfect? When everything was just simple fun? I remember that I use to just go outside and play for hours and hours. I would play on the swing set with my sisters. We'd have competitions of who could jump the farthest off the swing. Or I would be busy perfecting my gymnastic moves on the monkey bars and rings. And if I wasn't on the swing set, I would be playing something else. Sometimes it was shooting a few hoops, or playing with my Barbie dolls. In any case though, whatever it was I was doing, I always seemed to have a blast. It was just simple fun, and I loved every minute of it.

Recently I have been missing that simple fun. I've been missing enjoying life for every minute that I've been blessed with. Missing the freedom and stress-free life that comes with being a kid. My psychology professor even mentioned once that high school seniors tend to regress. Instead of acting like the mature adults they should be preparing themselves to be, they do a back loop and tend to shrink back into the shadows of childhood. I felt like I was heading in that direction. And this weekend, I was blessed with it. This weekend I had the simple fun I had when I was 6 years old. This weekend I got to go 12 years back in time and enjoy life for what it is really worth.

This weekend I had simple fun. I forgot about school, and work, and running, and the stresses of picking a college and the "future" and learned to live in the moment again. I opened up to random strangers and had a blast getting to know other Lutheran teens in my small group. I wandered through the woods with my sister and was reminded of the beauty of nature, even when it looks as if winter has stolen life away, it is still beautiful. Jenna and I skipped down dirt roads singing at the top of our lungs just because we could. I danced like nobody's watching, even if it did probably make me look like an idiot. I had fun being me again. I was reminded how sweet life can be sometimes, how it doesn't take the world to make me happy. All it takes is God.

I have been trying to avoid God, trying to push Him to the back seat and take over the wheel again. I tried to push life in the direction that I want it to be. Take that back, I didn't just try, I literally fought with having things done "my will" instead of His. And what I found by doing that I'm only making things worse. Only stressing more, only worrying and wondering if I am doing the right thing. I was making myself miserable because I was so afraid of God's plan. Then I heard two songs this weekend that completely changed my mind and heart.

Let's just say Peder Eide is amazing, and if you should ever have the chance to hear him play you need to go. Not should go, need to go. Because this guy is able to communicate what it is really like about having a relationship with Christ through songs, and you can just see it when he plays the fire in his soul he has for God. Seeing someone worship God like that is just as inspirational as hearing it. And there were specifically two songs he sang that just hit me like a brick wall. About ignoring Him no more, and that I worship Him not for His mighty acts, but because He is God. It really put me in my place this weekend. I am not the driver of my life, God is. I need to hand over the keys, scoot on over to shot gun, and just enjoy the ride.

All in all, I felt like my prayers were answered this weekend. I felt like God let me have my fun, gave me the chance to be a little kid again. And I remembered what it felt like to have God back in my life, that He's not trying to fight me, but He's on my side. Having God in my life doesn't just make me feel like a little kid again. It made everything feel the way it's suppose to be; enjoying life for every moment, and enjoying it because I love Jesus, and He loves me.

The Lifetime Consequence

I have to confess...the first thing I did when I logged on to the internet was head straight to my favorite media source, You Tube, and google the words "Jamie Spears pregnant". And for a good twenty minutes I sat there in my comatose state of consciousness, mindlessly watching video after video of "news" confirming what I already knew was true. It was addictive. I couldn't help but watching it all over and over. And then out of no where it kind of struck me like a brick in the face. Why the heck do I care if Jamie Spears is pregnant?



I'll be honest. I don't care for the Spears family much at all, but I do like Britney's music. Her song "Gimme More" is a pretty skanky song, but I listen to it. And while hearing about Britney's latest court decisions or her new buzz cut is pretty entertaining, I really don't care. I don't pay that much attention to her, nonetheless her sister. Actually, now that I think about it, I never paid attention to Jamie at all. I don't watch her tv show "Zoey 101" and other than knowing that she is 16 years old and related to Britney, I really know nothing about her, and certainly never cared if I did. So why all of a sudden when she's pregnant, I do?

I guess there are some logical answers. First of all, I always had the idea that she was heading in a good direction. She had her own career going, and I assumed after seeing all of Britney's mistakes she would do her best to take care of her life. Apparently I was wrong. It is kind of shocking to hear how such a star who seems so sweet and innocent could wind up pregnant at the age of 16. Kind of like Vanessa Hudgens and her nude pics. I mean, she's a Disney channel heroine, playing one of the main roles in two of Disney's biggest movies, and she knows she has young girls looking up to her. I guess I just kind of compared Jamie to someone like Miley Cyrus. I mean, Hannah Montana is the same age as Zoey, and her show is reaching out to millions of young girls. And when I mean young, I mean young. Most of her audience at Hannah Montana concerts are like 5 years old. If Zoey was a famous singer like Hannah Montana (which, being related to Britney Spears, could be a possibility), she would have young girls that age showing up to her concerts too.

Second reason is the simplest one: because she is only 16 years old. And the father is her "long term" boyfriend of 19 years. Which kind of makes me wonder, at the age of 16, do you have long term relationships? Long term to me is like, 2 or 3 years. Obviously the term "long term" has some pretty flexible boundaries. I mean, the average high school relationship lasts 3 months, so I guess doubling that might lead you to believe it's long term. Anyways, it's not the point. What is the point is that she is so young. She had her whole life ahead of her, and she kinda just threw it all away. For me it's not so much "Oh my gosh, she's pregnant what a skank!" To me it screams, "This poor girl, I sympathize for her, she's just too young."


I can't condemn Jamie, and even if I could I wouldn't. I'm not perfect, I have my own flaws and mistakes, so I'm not going to criticize her for hers. She admits that premarital sex was a bad idea, and I can bet you most teen parents would probably say the same. It's kind of funny to me because there are plenty of 16 year olds out there who are pregnant. Jamie's not the first, and she certainly isn't the last. But because she is famous, because people look to her as an idol, we get upset to see that she is imperfect, she is human.


What I am hoping to see out of this is that our culture needs to change, or at least take a step toward change. The abstinence idea isn't working. What needs to occur is for teens to realize when sex is appropriate, like when you're really in love, and how to stay protected. That's the whole idea behind saving yourself for marriage, that you're saving that intimate moment for the one you truly love. If you're not ready to commit your life to whoever your with, then you're not ready to have sex with them. Because look at the outcomes. If you, (or if you're a guy, your girlfriend) ends up pregnant, you're all of a sudden committed to the rest of their life anyway. Not meaning you have to marry them or anything, but you need to take part in raising the child. And I could go on, but you get the picture.


My point to all of this is, I hope Jamie's pregnancy doesn't have a negative influence, but a positive one. I hope this motivates people to learn what it is we need to do to prevent teen pregnancy, and to teach young adults when they're ready for sex, and if they are ready, how to stay protected. My fear is that if this doesn't happen, it's only going to be an encouragement to young girls to follow what their idols are doing, and to me that would be tragic. Because, I'm older than Jamie and I barely know what I'm doing with my life, I can't imagine having to plan for myself and my baby. I have a friend who is a teen mother, and all her dreams are changed now that she has a daughter. It's devastating to me to hear how her goals for college and everything are changed, all because of one simple mistake. It's a mistake with a consequence that lasts for a lifetime. And it's because of all this that I care about Jamie Spears being pregnant.

"Oh Sweetheart"

Finally...some downtime to blog. I haven't been able to post anything just because I don't have time anymore. I can't wait til the day when this is actually my profession, and I can make a living off of writing. Until then, I'll blog :)

A lot has happened since I last posted. Let's see...well, I started working at Steve & Barry's (again). Definitely loving it much more since I quit working at Bob Evans. Let me tell you something...waitressing, is hard. Really hard. And it's especially frustrating when you're new and you're trying your best just to learn everything, but it's so complex. I couldn't remember which fruit came with the bowl or with the cup! And what was worse is that your paycheck depends on the customer's happiness. Now, I like to think I'm a friendly sweet girl, and I thought for once my caring attitude would pay off. In a way it did, but in many other ways it didn't. Just being inexperienced and a new waitress lost me a lot in tips. And I really did learn how picky people could be. The grouchiness I put up with with the Steve and Barry's customers is nothing now...especially when I don't have to be nice back :P I've learned I hate having to put up with attitudes and not being able to dish it back. I'm not that type of person who will let someone walk over me or try to bring me down without a fight. Therefore, I am definitely not waitress material.

What else...I also went to Pittsburgh a few weekends ago. It was so awesome, but so very sad. My Mom and I stayed at my grandparents house. It's completely gutted out, and very lonesome to be in. The only thing that really stayed the same was the bedroom my sisters and I stayed in. It still has the two beds, the window with the pink shaded curtain, same old slanted walls and ocean blue carpet. But it's certainly not the same. And that's very disappointing to me. Pittsburgh has always been so special because of the family and memories I have there. Well, I've lost two people I've loved most, and the memories are all I have left.

My grandfather passed away early April this year. It was my first death that I've ever had to deal with. What was especially hard though, surprisingly, was not my grandpap's death but seeing my grandma. It had been about a year since I had seen her, and her alzheimer's had grown worse. It was tough, because she didn't look like herself, and she barely remembered us. i ran away at first and snuck into the bathroom to hide. I've never felt such a mix of anger and confusion and denial. Since then it has gotten easier to visit her, but it's still very tough.

The last time my Mom and I visited her that weekend my Mom started crying. I was holding myself pretty strong, I had accepted the fact that things were different now and I just had to deal with it. That's life, isn't it? But then when we were going to leave I bent to give her a hug and she looked me dead in the eye and said very sweetly, "Oh Sweetheart." I started crying, because it felt like for that brief moment she was there. For the one second she knew who I was, and understood my pain. It was like her eyes were saying, "Oh sweetheart, I know who you are, I know this is tough. I know you hate seeing me like this, I know I have alzheimers and everything is different now." It basically felt that for the one brief moment she understood everything, and I felt that just for one second she remembered she was my grandma, and she was looking at me like always use to.

I don't know if that moment is true. I know it happened, I know she called me sweetheart, but I don't know if it happened the way I think it did. I don't know. She doesn't know. Even if she did, she couldn't tell me. The only one who does know is God. And that's okay. Because I believe what happened for just one second, and I don't need to know the truth, whether I am right or wrong. The moment was bittersweet, probably one I will never forget. It reminded me of all the sweet memories we have together, and it also reminded me of the reality of it all. The tough reality I have tried my maturest to face. But I still can't deny how much it hurts.

I believe somewhere down deep inside she stills knows who I am. Knows I am her granddaughter, her only daughter's first born, named after her mother and her husband's mother. I believe she stills knows me, and she still loves me, whether her mind will allow it or not. It's astounishes me how complex we are. How we are so much more than what our physiological senses leave us to believe. Have you not ever looked into someone eyes and could tell what they were feeling? Have you never looked into someone eyes and felt like you were peering into their soul? That's what it was like when I looked into my grandma's eyes. That's somewhere deep inside it's all okay. After this life, it's all okay.