Music, Lemons, and a Really Big Rock

Sometimes you just really have to feel something for you to come to your senses. Sometimes it takes the biggest twist, the biggest turning point for you to fully grasp reality, and to just see how your life is changing. I am in the middle of a turning point right this very second. After almost two years of pondering what is going to happen, finally I am beginning to see how things just might turn out. God had to throw the biggest rock at me for me to come to my senses. And it hit me like a ton of bricks.

The situation I am talking about is the friendship I have between myself and someone else. Someone who I care very much about, someone who I look up to. Someone who I have been praying I will never lose, and yet I beginning to see that my prayers just might be answered “no.” It’s not that this person will forever walk out of my life and we’ll never be friends again. It’s just the concept that this person has their own life, and I have mine. And our lives are pulling our friendship slowly and painfully apart. And I am trying my best to save it.

The reality of letting go is just as hard as I expected. I knew a long time ago that I would one day have to face the music, and I have been dreading the sour notes of fate. The bittersweet tune of separation has become the theme song to my life, and I am tired to hearing it over and over. I am tired of trying to drown it out with happy moments and reminiscing on memories. It is a song that is constantly stuck in my head. So instead of trying to change it, I have decided to just listen to it. Just let it play through, and once it is done, it will be done forever. There is nothing I can do to change it. So I have to embrace it.

I miss this person terribly. I miss talking to them, and joking around with them. I miss laughing with them and arguing with them. I miss learning from them. I miss everything about this person. I knew this person would eventually have to go their way, and I’d have to go mine. I knew I wouldn’t like it. But it doesn’t matter if I like it or not. I have to deal with it either way.
There is the saying of “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” But sometimes you just don’t have the ingredients to make that happen. You don’t have that sweet sugar to overpower the sour taste. And you just have to drink it for what it’s worth. Take in the bitter juice, let the goosebumps run down your spine, taste every ounce of it and move on. When life gives you lemons, deal with it.

It hurts. It’s not fair. Life’s not fair. It’s life. It’s the way things are meant to be. It’s God’s will, not mine. I don’t like it, but I have to deal with it. I don’t like the theme song. I don’t like the bitter lemons I have to taste. But what is there to do? God threw a big rock at me, and it’s hit me hard. It’s left a bruise. And all there is to do, is let it heal.

Say

“Living out the same old moment
Knowing you’d be better off instead

If you could only

Say what you need to say”

I am so in love with this song. Perhaps it’s just the writer in me dying to get out. Or maybe it’s because I’ve always been that shy girl who hesitates to talk because of some silly insecurities. Or maybe it’s that little optimist activist in me that just honestly believes with all her heart that you can change someone’s life based on what you say to them. Maybe it’s that little voice in me that just wants to say what it needs to say. I think it’s a little bit of all of the above.
How many times have I wished I had said something while I had the chance and then later regretted it? The perfect example of this are my two grandfathers. What’s ironic is when my second grandpa died, I saw him the day before his death, and I was able to tell him I loved him before I left. But when my first grandpa died, I didn’t get that chance to talk to him, and to this day I still cry over his death. It’s been almost a year now. And it’s killing me because I didn’t get to say what I needed to say.

If you haven’t seen the music video for “Say” by John Mayer, I urge you to watch it now. It’s based off of the movie Bucket List…yes, even just the music video makes me cry. And I think it’s because the song touches on something that we often overlook until, of course, it’s too late. Just the simple fact that we should say what we need to say to people before it’s too late. Before they’re gone and out of our lives. Or because they deserve to hear the truth. I think we often hesitate so many times on saying what we really want to say, because we’re afraid. Afraid of someone’s reactions, afraid of what they might think. Trust me, I know…remember, I was that shy geeky girl back in elementary school too afraid to speak up. I guess now I’m making up for lost time haha.

But on a serious note, I can remember the last conversation I had with my first grandfather. I remember he had called my house to speak with my mom. I answered the phone and said something along the lines of “Hi Grandpa, it’s Laura…yada yada yada.” And then he asked for my Mom and I said, “Hold on…let me get her.” So I went and gave the phone to my Mother and that was it. Those were the last words I spoke to my Grandpa. “Hold on…let me get her.” Not “I love you Grandpa,” or “I miss you,” or even, “I hope you feel better.” I never got to say what I needed to say. And my regret will haunt me for the rest of my life.

But the beautiful thing about life is when we make a mistake, we learn from it and learn not to make it again. I can’t hate myself for not saying what I needed to say. I had no idea at the time that that would be the last time I would speak with Grandpa. But I learned something I had never understood before. I realized how things don’t last forever, and that the opportunity to say what you really need to say, doesn’t last forever either.

This song is a constant reminder to me to not take time for granted. It’s more than just “say what you need to say,” it’s a reminder that life is precious, and you won’t have it forever. And even more importantly, how precious the people around you are, and how you won’t have them forever either.

“Have no fear for giving inHave no fear for giving over

You better know that in the end its better to say too much

Than to never to say what you need to say again”

It’s better to say too much, than to never say what you need to say again. So if I sound like a babbling idiot for the moment, it’s because my heart is hanging onto these words. I refuse to let what happened between my grandfather and I occur again. As geeky as this may sound, I have a “Say” list. A list of people in my life in which I still have something to say to them. I won’t lie…there are a few people on this list that I am absolutely terrified to tell them what I’m really feeling. But when I think of it in the big picture, a little humiliation for the moment will save me from a lifetime of regret.

I encourage anyone who reads this to at least take what I’m saying into consideration. Think about your life, and the people in it. Think of what would happen if you never saw them again, would you have said everything you needed to say? I feel like a broken record, but it’s as simple as the lyrics…

“Say what you need to say”.

God, I Feel Like I'm Six Years Old Again

Remember when you were a little kid and life was just, well, perfect? When everything was just simple fun? I remember that I use to just go outside and play for hours and hours. I would play on the swing set with my sisters. We'd have competitions of who could jump the farthest off the swing. Or I would be busy perfecting my gymnastic moves on the monkey bars and rings. And if I wasn't on the swing set, I would be playing something else. Sometimes it was shooting a few hoops, or playing with my Barbie dolls. In any case though, whatever it was I was doing, I always seemed to have a blast. It was just simple fun, and I loved every minute of it.

Recently I have been missing that simple fun. I've been missing enjoying life for every minute that I've been blessed with. Missing the freedom and stress-free life that comes with being a kid. My psychology professor even mentioned once that high school seniors tend to regress. Instead of acting like the mature adults they should be preparing themselves to be, they do a back loop and tend to shrink back into the shadows of childhood. I felt like I was heading in that direction. And this weekend, I was blessed with it. This weekend I had the simple fun I had when I was 6 years old. This weekend I got to go 12 years back in time and enjoy life for what it is really worth.

This weekend I had simple fun. I forgot about school, and work, and running, and the stresses of picking a college and the "future" and learned to live in the moment again. I opened up to random strangers and had a blast getting to know other Lutheran teens in my small group. I wandered through the woods with my sister and was reminded of the beauty of nature, even when it looks as if winter has stolen life away, it is still beautiful. Jenna and I skipped down dirt roads singing at the top of our lungs just because we could. I danced like nobody's watching, even if it did probably make me look like an idiot. I had fun being me again. I was reminded how sweet life can be sometimes, how it doesn't take the world to make me happy. All it takes is God.

I have been trying to avoid God, trying to push Him to the back seat and take over the wheel again. I tried to push life in the direction that I want it to be. Take that back, I didn't just try, I literally fought with having things done "my will" instead of His. And what I found by doing that I'm only making things worse. Only stressing more, only worrying and wondering if I am doing the right thing. I was making myself miserable because I was so afraid of God's plan. Then I heard two songs this weekend that completely changed my mind and heart.

Let's just say Peder Eide is amazing, and if you should ever have the chance to hear him play you need to go. Not should go, need to go. Because this guy is able to communicate what it is really like about having a relationship with Christ through songs, and you can just see it when he plays the fire in his soul he has for God. Seeing someone worship God like that is just as inspirational as hearing it. And there were specifically two songs he sang that just hit me like a brick wall. About ignoring Him no more, and that I worship Him not for His mighty acts, but because He is God. It really put me in my place this weekend. I am not the driver of my life, God is. I need to hand over the keys, scoot on over to shot gun, and just enjoy the ride.

All in all, I felt like my prayers were answered this weekend. I felt like God let me have my fun, gave me the chance to be a little kid again. And I remembered what it felt like to have God back in my life, that He's not trying to fight me, but He's on my side. Having God in my life doesn't just make me feel like a little kid again. It made everything feel the way it's suppose to be; enjoying life for every moment, and enjoying it because I love Jesus, and He loves me.